A few weeks ago, I had the honour to speak and share a bit of my story at an album release for an up-and-coming young artist. She planned this great event that incorporated different artists, including myself, to speak and some organizations to display their resources. It was all done in support of mental health. The event doubled as a fundraiser for a local youth shelter and the release of her album. I am taking you through key moments leading up to, during and after the event. These moments stood out to me as God’s way of showing Himself and being present in and through them. As well as some other how-tos or things to consider when stepping out and trying your hand at something new.

My way of sharing my feelings about the experiences has been equating it to a first pancake. If you’re someone who doesn’t bake frequently or maybe you’re getting used to a new stove or pan, then when you go to make pancakes, the first one tends to come out a little funky because it was either cooked too long or too short or the temp wasn’t right, or something else happened to make it not quite perfect. It’s still edible, though. And that was this event for me. Time went into prepping, but I was out of practice and didn’t have the heat on to the right temp, so my speech unintentionally came out a little raw in the middle. It looked pretty on the outside but was only partially done on the inside. You can eat around the edges and take what you need to get through, but waiting for pancakes two and three is necessary if you want to be satisfied and full. 

Throughout the entire process of being asked to speak, prepare, attend, speak and reflect, there were a few key things that I wanted to share.

It is okay to feel excited about something, even if you’re scared.

When I got an email from the leading artist asking if I would meet her for coffee, I was surprised and excited. I knew her through a business network but could have done better. But any chance to meet with entrepreneurs of all industries I will take. That’s the best part of my job. Connecting with and supporting entrepreneurs. So, we met up for coffee, and right off the bat, we went straight to business. She told me her vision for the event, what she was planning, who she had asked to be a part of it already, where it would be and the reason behind it. Then she finished off her speel with, “I really want you to be the one to do a talk. I love your message and what you’re about, and I am really hoping you’ll say yes.” I paused briefly to take it all in, and before I knew it, my pause was up, and I agreed to do it. “How much time will I have to talk?” was my first question. Quickly followed, “When did you say it was again?” Nervous laughter filled my voice as I realized what I committed myself to. “Sharing my story with mental health in front of a large crowd of strangers. Haven’t done that in a while.” my internal dialogue started to take over. 

As I sat there listening to the other details she had to share with me, anxiety started to fill my soul. I had one more question I needed to ask, but I was scared about how she would take it. I took a deep breath and asked, “How would you feel if I brought God up in my speech? He’s been a huge part of my healing journey, and I wouldn’t feel right sharing my story and leaving him out.” With a soft smile, she excitedly agreed that it was a good idea but gently reminded me that this wasn’t a Christian event. All at once, I felt one weight leave me and another fall on me. I was excited to share but scared about bringing God into the conversation because I didn’t know how to do it effectively and didn’t want to mess up or cause hurt. Because I’ve seen firsthand what hurt can be done when God’s name is misused or talked about inappropriately in situations surrounding recovery.

The following weekend, I was at my small group at church. I brought up this opportunity and shared how nervous I was feeling about including God in the conversation. Each group member started to chime in, reminding me that God will do what he needs to despite my human efforts or errors. 

God qualifies the called.

The number of times I have heard this saying over the last year is ridiculous. Including during our small group meeting when I shared about this upcoming experience. “God qualifies the called.”  It is a scary thought, at least for me. Because that means that God is going to take me out of my comfort zone and push me into things that will require on-the-job learning. If I listen to my calling, I am saying yes to getting a “job” I didn’t apply for and haven’t read the description of a task or duties, so I don’t know what is expected of me. I used this job analogy not too long ago to describe how it feels to be diagnosed with a chronic illness. Those of us who struggle with chronic illness end up ‘getting a job’ that we didn’t apply for and don’t have the qualifications or training to succeed yet. So we must learn on the job, lean on our support and go to our manager (God) for guidance on the next steps. 

And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power. 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 (NIV)

Paul is teaching the people of Corinth that when we humble ourselves before Him and step into what He is calling us to do—whether it is to go abroad, share how He has worked in our lives, invite someone to church, or simply pray when prompted—He will use those moments to qualify us to do His mission here on earth. God will use our weakness. God wants us to trust Him, not human wisdom or willpower. 

I heard not too long ago the verse that says, “The Lord is a lamp onto my feet and a light onto my path,” and how sometimes we can take this verse and think that we are going to know what’s coming down the line and be able to plan effectively. But the podcast I was listening to mentioned that’s not the case; the Lord will be a lamp on our feet, meaning he will light up directly in front of us so we don’t trip, but the whole path will not be illuminated. We need to trust that a little more of the path will be revealed with every next step. 

I don’t know about you, but I struggle with control and want to have a plan. But not just a single plan; I want to have plans B, C, D, and E. I want to know all the details as soon as possible to figure out how to prepare best. Ultimately, I dislike feeling ill-equipped and unprepared. Leading up to this event, I had a battle of the minds. Because I wanted my words at the event to be wise. I tried to sound profound and to do a good job. To seem prepared. Which in and of itself are all good things to strive for, but because I wasn’t focusing my heart and trusting that God would give me the words, I spent the entire time leading up to the event procrastinating on what to say. Leading to unpreparedness. I wasn’t letting God qualify me. I was faking it but not making it. And my expectations for myself and the expectations others had for me were let down. I let my fear of failure impede my ability to trust and listen, and it showed. 

God will lead you if you listen. 

I prayed and panicked as I sat in my seat, waiting for my turn to speak. “God, what do I say?” Then God put a poem in my mind that I had written early this year. It was a letter to my emotions, and God said, “Share this.” So I opened my phone and started searching for this poem. I had forgotten about it. So, finding it was a bit of a challenge. Once I opened it up and started reading, I realized what God wanted me to share. When it was my turn to go up, I took my place on stage and began speaking. Starting with my history with depression and anxiety and my journey with photography and how it’s helped me through the years. It was during this brief backstory that I brought God into the conversation. “I am so thankful for my faith and that God gave me photography to help me see the world and connect with people in different ways.” 

Nothing too forward but enough that people knew where I stood. As I continued I read out the poem. Line after line talked about how my emotions and I haven’t seen eye to eye but I want to get better at allowing them to surface safely. I want to be more emotionally connected with myself so I can have stronger relationships with others. This has been my theme of learning for the year. 

As I finished my talk I ended with sharing something I had heard, and I don’t remember where it was or who said it, but it stuck with me. It went something like this:

“We need to stop letting our mental health define us and instead change how we talk about our struggles. Rather than saying ‘I have or I am depressed/anxious’ replace it with ‘I am experiencing depression/anxious thoughts and feelings’.” 

I continued my talk with “We aren’t our mental health struggles but our experiences with them are real. We shouldn’t play them down but we need to recognize that they aren’t who we are. They are experiences that shape us, builds us up and brings us down. They shape how we perceive things. However, they don’t make up my personality. My likes, dislikes, hobbies, passions and relationships. They don’t control who I am. They aren’t a label that define me. The same way being a business owner, photographer, sister, or friend aren’t things that define who I am. They aren’t things that make up Hannah. They are experiences that have impacted me. But they’re not who I am.  It is God who says who I am. It is Him who instilled the love for photography, a passion for family, an ability to speak. It is in God that I can know who I am and who I was created to be. That doesn’t mean I won’t struggle. But it does mean, I’ll have peace and less insecurity within the struggle. 

It is also in God that I know all emotions are useful and we need them to experience the fullness of life. From joy to anger to sadness to peace. The full range of emotions are meant to be experienced and expressed safely. 

“Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands.” ??Psalms? ?119?:?73? ?NIV??